The things that Imma write here are just tidbits of my thoughts, coz you see, there are certain things in life that are so confusing for the mind and heart to take, yet seems so clear to the naked eye.
Some people say that things are not always what they seem, I've alwayz thought differently about that until such time that I caught myself masking some sort of feelings, and hiding it away through friendship.
i'm not sure if I should be writing this, but in some way, I have to get it out of me coz' there's no way I can say this to anyone coz' i think it would be best not to do so. less talk less mistake right?
so, anyway, i'm caught in between this feeling of confusion, i really don't know if how it all started, but that's no longer my concern at this point in time, what i want to happen now is for it to go away, for i know that nothing good would really come out of it even if i choose to pursue this "____" that i have for this certain guy. besides the fact that it's so wrong, i know in my heart of hearts there's a man that I love more than anything in this world, and that this sort of "____" that i have for this other guy, will eventually wither and die, but it's just that, there's the question of when.
honestly, i can feel that we're both holding back this sort of emotion that we have for eachother, and we're hiding it through frienship. and we both know that the only way that we could both have eachother is once again through friendship, coz he knows that me and him... can never be...
am i hurt, no I'm not, am I frustrated, i don't know, honestly, I'm not sure, I see him almost everyday, and I can see sparks, i don't know if what they're made of.... could it be because there's the challenge of never gonna be able to see eachother as more than friends. the mere unavailability of both sides, or could it be because of the more than friends treatment that we have going on for eachother, or maybe, the way we make eachother feel special but never really admitting it, once again, using friendship as an excuse.
honestly, when other people asks us about it, coz they kinda seem to notice it too, (i dont know if i should be happy about that, but atleast I know I'm not creating the whole thing in my head! hehe) we're both denying it and in some way quite sarcastic in doing so.
honestly, i don't know what im looking for in this situation, though i know that we can never be, i think there's this kind of urge for me to find out if what's the real deal here, some sort of spoken confirmation from him, in other words, i just want to know, but the sad part is, it would be too risky to do that, coz we might end up loosing the friendship that we have (which is by the way really tight), and not to mention the "ilangan" thing that might happen. i dont want us to be in a situation like that. so i guess it's best that things should stay this way, i mean, as it is, or as it should be...
but then again, who knows, maybe.. on one fine day, when the clouds are clear, and everything, including time, situation, or whatever (though this seems impossible) is on our side, maybe, who knows, i guess it wouldn't hurt if we'll try it right?
but as of today... nothing should be changed.. i gotta man, i'm committed, he's my friend, one of my closest friends, that's it, nothing should be changed.... right?